Peace and Mother Goose

Intention - to post a wonderful daily story about the Mother Goose who has nested 2 feet outside my apartment's back patio door with her mate swimming in the man-made pond around her keeping watch.  Intention never quite works out the way we hope it does at times though doesn't it and I know there are higher lessons here than my humanness is just plain willing to let go and accept right now.  Let me back up a moment.  Last night sitting on my little porch over looking the fountain pond, which offers very little natural view as across the street is a parking lot and office complex, I noticed a Goose couple I've noticed around the past four days since we've been home from Spain.  I also noticed last night one of them appeared to be nesting at the foot of a little tree directly across from me about two feet from our porch while the other goose swam very close.  Both geese got very territorial and angry when anyone got within even 5 or 6 feet of them and I believe they had no idea of my presence, or by some miracle just didn't perceive me as a threat.  This morning, my notion of nesting was validated as the "Mother Goose" had a feather hanging from her bill and all around her nesting area and my son and I watched for quite sometime before school as she pulled feathers from herself to add them to her nest.  Then the most beautiful thing occurred which I had never seen so close up before - Mother Goose stood to turn herself around (I could only help thinking of me when I was so very, very pregnant and shifting my weight constantly to relieve stress from my poor knees and feet) and Sam and I saw her eggs!  I thought this was so grand and lovely.  Here we are just two weeks from Easter Sunday and what could be more symbolic of Easter Sunday and spring than to have a Mother Goose nesting two feet from your door?  The Father Goose was just as adorable never flying off too far from his mate making sure she was protected while she kept their eggs warm.  I was looking so forward to watching over her and protecting her myself and seeing every day if the eggs hatched and sharing the whole life experience with my five year-old son!  I came home about an hour ago to find the nest empty.  What's really devastating to me is that the Father Goose is still here.  I asked about it in the apartment office and was told there was a "guy" who our maintenance guy had most likely called (because this is a common occurrence it seems to have Geese nests randomly appear in such open areas around the apartment buildings) who had come and removed the Mother Goose, nest and eggs.  "What about her mate?"  I asked, to a woman behind the desk who though is very nice was completely clueless to what I was asking about and could offer me no comfort.  She said she would talk to our maintenance guy, Doug (whose garage-office is a few doors down from mine and we are very friendly with) about calling the Goose-Man back.  Doug was not there when I left the apartment office and so I left him a note writing "You need to call the guy back who took Mother Goose and tell him he needs to come back and get her mate!  The mate is lost right now and alone by her nest without her!"  And, he is.  It's heartbreaking to me to see this goose just hanging out in the water by where the nest was just this morning as if he's just waiting miraculously for the Mother Goose to suddenly re-appear on top of her nest.  Just nature taking its course.  How could someone take the Mother and not take the mate?  Father Goose will be there for eternity I think, or unless it freezes and is time for his indoor clock to tell him to fly south.  I asked my husband, "What if you came back to the apartment and Sam and I were just gone along with everything in it?  What would you do?  Would you just immediately leave or would you hang around hoping for our return or some clue as to where we'd gone?"  I hear Father Goose honking now.  A little while ago a Dad with his young daughter and little black dog on a leash stopped outside my door and walked down in front of the empty spot the nest was where just a few feathers are now stuck.  Out of nowhere, the Father Goose slammed himself into the water in front of them, wings flapping wildly and began hissing hysterically at them.  I opened the door and said, "I think he's really pissed you are standing there because that's where his mate's nest was, at least until this morning when 'they' had someone come and take it away."  The Dad said he'd seen the nest and eggs last night and was bringing his little girl by to show her.  My husband says they came to take away the nest because that's what they do to protect the birds - that a dog could come by and eat the babies, etc.  Despite a lovely hour and a half yoga practice and meditation this morning, a glorious sunny day and lunch outside with my husband putting me in a kind of zen mood, I'm having a hard time putting my faith in the people who had Mother Goose removed as having done so for her best welfare, rather than so the apartment isn't infested with Geese and Geese crap.  Yes.  I just wrote the word "crap" on my peace blog.  I guess because "crap" is battling with my inner peace right now, thank you Mother Goose!  And, honestly, this whole scenario initially fed into my deeper feelings about where I'm living and where I'm not living and where will I be living - this kind of limbo I've been adjusting to for a year now which has nothing whatsoever to do with Mother Goose and her family.  So, I guess there's some unfinished business there I need to tend to within myself.  I told my son on the way to school this morning we needed to put our healing light and energy around Mother Goose for safety and protection while she has her babies - now more than ever.  Father Goose is honking again.  "Where are you?  Where are you Mother Goose?"  He needs our healing light and energy too.  We all do. 

Peace and Hafiz

From Simon's "Ten Commitments" - Quotes to Share

by HAFIZ

"When all your desires are distilled you will cast just two votes: to love more, and be happy."

"Everyone is God speaking.  What not be polite and listen to Him?"

"Just sit there right now.  Don't do a thing.  Just rest.  For your separation from God is the hardest work in this world."

"Forgiveness is the cash you need.  All the other kinds of silver really buy just strange things."

"Your soul and my soul once sat together in the beloveds womb playing footsie.  Your soul and my soul are very, very old friends."

"Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."  Look what happens with a love like that, if lights up the whole sky."

"For a day, for just one day, talk about that which disturbs no one and brings some peace into your beautiful eyes."

xo

Return to Peace

I have been back in America four days now and each day I think my body is finally adjusted to the time change.  I'm hoping it's for certain today!  My last blog was on peace and vacation and how I'd been thinking about vacation and what it has meant for me to go on vacation over the years and how that's changed.  I talked to my mom about it a bit and when I specifically mentioned how it feels different for me going away on vacation (because what am I really going away from?) and going home after vacation (because, what home am I really returning to) she suggested that maybe it's not about what I'm going home to but HOW I'm going home.  I expanded this further to include HOW I'm going on vacation.  My mind set.  My spirit.  My being.  Not just getting away or going home and all the senses those thoughts evoke (all the to-do lists at home and work, cleaning my dead fish's tank and all!)  I wrote by hand into a small notebook every day while in Spain - carried it around with me everywhere.  I also read Simon's "The Ten Commitments" and meditated on much of it, as I practiced yoga daily on my balcony overlooking the Mediterranean Sea and sat and just listened to the waves coming in against the shore and the birds talking to each other above.  When I was at the market yesterday standing in line to check out I thought, "what was your most favorite time in Spain?"  Honestly, the answer came quickly.  It was the times, and there were so many, when I just stood still in appreciation.  Appreciation for the waves, the sun, not having an agenda, writing on the rocks extending into the Mediterranean while Sam dug into the sand, appreciation for standing on the terrace of a 900 year-old monetary outside Chopin's cell when he visited, appreciation for the craftsmanship of a chapel just as old and all it's ornate and stained glass wonder, for the English speaking yoga instructor at the Palma studio where I took a class, for the musician duo who seamlessly played Vivaldi's Four Seasons Spring Allegro number 1 movement in our hotel cafe one night after dinner, for all the Spanish speaking people and their congeniality and appreciation for my attempts at their language.  There were so many times when I just sat.  I didn't have a clock to watch.  No agenda outside of eating breakfast and dinner each day at 8AM and 7PM in our hotel dining room.  I am bringing that awareness back with me.  That's HOW I return.  In appreciation to sit still.  xo

Peace & Vacation

Ok.  So here I am in Palma Nova on the island of Mallorca (or Majorca depending on whether you are spelling it the English or Spanish way) in Spain.  I have been here now 6 days.  I have heard people, more than once and usually parents say that it's a lot of work to go on vacation - sometimes more work than just staying at home.  I have been thinking about this a bit ever since first beginning to pack for this trip a week ago today.  I began packing around 3 Thursday afternoon and after a few hours my husband said something to me about how I had all the next morning to pack and I told him I didn't.  He told me I did and I felt the need then to explain to him why I felt otherwise - that I was packing for me, for Sam (our 5 year-old son) and also getting the apartment & other household things in order for us being gone for 2 weeks.  He was packing for himself and thinking about only himself and his bike stuff (as we are in Spain for a bicycle training camp for him).  It wasn't until the next day he agreed with me. 

Poor me, right?  All that packing and getting ready to be rewarded by being in a gorgeous part of Spain for 2 weeks? 

And, it is gorgeous here.  I have been to Spain on the Coastal Blanca before (between Valencia and Benidorm) twice and I think Mallorca is more beautiful.  I have seen a little bit of downtown Palma and yesterday took a bus excursion with Sam to see the most northern part of the island and most beautiful coast - the coast de Pollenca, which is the first spot to have tourism in 1926 and also Formentor, the most northern city on the island.  Tourism is the number one source of income here in Mallorca now I've been told and between April and October they see some 9 million tourists.  We are here just before high season begins and the apartment within our large hotel is on the quiet side.  I have seen only one family with a small little girl.

I was tired when we arrived Saturday having not really slept much on the three flights over but didn't really have more than just some standard jet lag and it didn't keep me from walking Sam 5 minutes to the beach where we have already spent a lot of time. 

Despite the packing, unpacking, jet lag & establishing a routine with Sam in a new place, I really don't feel a sense of being on vacation neccessarily and this has gotten me thinking quite a bit about what vacation is and what I'm vacating from.

Growing up, vacations were taken with my parents and usually to places we went to on a plane for a week at least - Florida, Mexico, a Cruise.  We went on many weekend visits driving 4 hours from Michigan to Ohio to see my mom's parents and my grandparents.  We also went on many driving vacations for long weekends or weeks up north in Michigan, renting cabins on lakes, or to Mackinac Island, or to places in Canada even.  Sometimes, a vacation was just driving a little bit and staying in a hotel with a pool for one or two days.  All this I think of now as vacations more for my parents getting away from their routines of going to work 40 hours a week and tending to me and the house the rest of the time. 

Vacations in my adult life didn't really happen until I got married the first time when I was living in Chicago and they were few and far between.  It seemed every place I travelled in my 20's wasn't really a vacation because I didn't really have a routine life to vacate from.  I was waiting tables a few times a week to make rent and changing my schedule frequently to accomodate my auditions and acting life.  There was a week long trip driving with my ex-husband to the Black Hills of South Dakota and back-packing and camping in the Hills, which at the time felt life changing for me.  There were visits to bed and breakfast type places to meet my parents (usually paid for by my parents) and maybe one or two overnight hotel excursions just outside Chicago for fun.  We were too poor and in debt to think about taking vacations and any vacations we did take, like I said, were either paid for by parents or accrued credit card debt.

When I worked at and investment firm in my thirties for five years I had my first adult taste of what vacations felt like to the working class.  I worked overtime all the time and weekends and only had 12 PTO (personal time off) days a year.  Because I worked with trades, I was on when the stock market was open, or setting up trades over the weekends for Mondays.  I even had to barter between Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's.  When I married Dave, who at the time worked for himself out of the house it frustrated him to no end that I could not just pick up and go away when he wanted to.  Before I met Dave, I dated a guy who took me to Copper Mountain in Colorado for a week where I learned to downhill ski.  I was 33.  3 months after meeting Dave, we went to St. Thomas Island for a long weekend because he was standing up for a friend getting married there.  That same summer, we went on a 4 day cruise to the Bahamas with his family.  We honeymooned a year later at Whistler and Blackcomb Mountain skiing in Vancouver.  All this while I was working full-time and every getaway truly felt just that.  Like I was getting away.  Vacationing.  All that work at work to clear the desk and have everything in it's place before I went so nothing would fall apart while I was gone and all those piles to get through and emails when I returned.  What an ego I had to think that the trading department would crumble without my presence!

Since returning to acting full-time in 2003, and now mothering full-time since 2005, we have been many places, including Spain four times, Italy, Disney World 3 times, Disney Land 1 time, Green Mountain, Vermont 5 times, Sutton Quebec twice, Niagra Falls, Stratford Shakespeare Festival loads and so many others for bike races or me visiting friends in New York or Chicago or LA.  Since having Sam, there has always been so much to think about from what to bring for him in the car, on the plane, what can we buy once there, setting up a routine schedule - I have probably spent more time and energy than needed each vacation, way more, and now that Sam is 5 I bring way less than I used to.

Here's the thing.  The 3 weeks prior to coming here to Spain I was relishing in gratitude for my days and how they were unfolding, driving out to Yellow Springs for yoga and writing and planning my voice-over events and coaching.  It couldn't have happened at a better time because I brought with me here on this trip this awareness of my yoga practice alignment of my body, mind and spirit and it has helped me on numerous occassions so far with many little things that I think would have bothered me more had I not had this yoga practice renewal.  I even brought with me my yoga mat and have fit a practice in every morning anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes and mostly with Sam being Sam around me.  I have come to realize that I am truly blessed for having a vacation like existence every day and only having a couple of scheduled appointments where I have to mind a clock, usually having to do with Sam getting to and from school. 

So, if I am on vacation during my life every day, what is a vacation for me?  Where do I go to vacate?  What am I vacating from?  I find myself taking with me more than just clothes to this vacation in bringing my body, mind and spiritual practice along in more than just the form of my yoga mat and strap.  I have decided that life continues no matter where you are or what you call the path you are on - daily routine or vacation.  Life is life and it is what I make of it no matter what my surroundings, whom I'm with or what location I'm in.  This is very enlightening.  It's also very freeing.  It frees me from feeling bound in my mind to only feeling a sense of freedom from every day life in a few days or weeks a year.  Can you imagine?  Living a life of duty and responsible doing only to feel free and letting go and vacationing a few days or weeks a year?  Blah!  This is great! 

I have created this for myself and must have wanted this a long time ago for it to have manifested this way.  The power of thought is possible. 

I have been handwriting a small journal every day since I have been in Spain and may transcribe it to this blog later on.  It's been nice to not be in my computer every day, or my phone.

Life happens no matter what. 

The Internet of Peace Part II

Tuesday morning after yoga at Brother Bear cafe in Yellow Springs and I am getting down the rest of my thoughts from Sunday's "Commitment to Peace" talk at Unity Church of Dayton, led by Cindi White.

The "Internet" of Peace is really an interconnectedness of peace, creating a closer rather than smaller world by the modern technology communication devices we use today.  (I keep wondering what will be available to my son when he is my age in 39 years and think of the cartoon The Jetsons with their video phones and how we are not so far off!)

Here is the second part to yesterday's blog continuing with some of Cindi White's thoughts on a commitment to peace:

We make choices everyday.  Am I part of a solutionn?  What I demonstrate to people around me?  Is it peace?

An affirmation: With love in my heart I hold peace in mind and commit to peace.

"For just one day talk about that which disturbs no one." - Hafis

Be gentle with yourself and forgive yourself all your little humanities.

Finally, as written in Dr, Simon's The Ten Commitments book and his chapter titled "The Internet of Peace", and with Cindi White's comments paraphrased:

1. Peace of state of mind.
2. Peace is independent of what's around me (I stop whatever is not peaceful and I go in peace.)
"Who you are speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you're saying." - Emerson
3. Peace is contagious.
4. Peace is dynamic.
5. Peace is courageous (There is a peace movement at www.agnt.org from 1/30/11 - 4/4/11 - between Gandhi and MLK's birthdays.)
6. Peace is not defined by it's opposition - no "us" and "them."
"In my defenselessness my safety lies." - Course in Miracles
7. Peace is a practice.  (Day, moment, step at a time.)

With love in my heart I hold peace in mind and commit to peace.

The Internet of Peace Part I

Not my expression, but I love it.  Cindi A. White (MS, PCC and author of "The Other Side of Crisis") spoke very timely at Unity yesterday morning about peace.  (It seems, of course like with anything I start to heavily focus on, peace is everywhere right now since I've begun this blog about it and ventured into finding peace for myself during Lent).

One of several images Cindi evoked was this idea of the Internet of Peace - not bound to our computers, but because of computers and modern technology we are all closer and interconnected now more than ever.  She referenced the tragedy of what is going on in Japan and how immediately on an international level people changed their course to focus on helping, being reached and finding out how to assist through their phones, Facebook and their computers.

Cindi also said that while the tendency for us is to say the expression, "The world is getting smaller," when in fact because of modern communication devices we are in fact getting closer.  It's an illusion that the world is getting smaller.  We are closer and in constant contact with each other.  We have the ability to come together for a cause (Japan) and not fight for a cause, but come together (Egypt).  Speaking to Egypt, Cindi quoted Dwight D. Eisenhower saying that,      “I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it.” 

Cindi also posed the question, "How much do people really want peace?"  How much do we really want this?  I think about myself more than the masses in wanting peace - personal peace rather than global, but it does really start with me, doesn't it?  It's kind of like when you think, "What difference does it make if I (fill in the blank) or not?"  Recycling?  Idling my car?  Eating better?  Exercising?  Swearing?  Reacting from a positive rather than negative place?  Donate money?  Volunteer?  Etc., etc.  If we all decided we, as one person, didn't make a difference, let's say with recycling a few plastic bottles or newspapers every week, would we even be here?  Would our existence look more like in the Pixar animated movie WALL-E?  I like to think I do make a difference and it doesn't start with me.  Plus, it takes the pressure off tremendously and puts me in charge 100% - I can control me!  I can't control anyone else and their decisions to waste, or be negative, or set bad examples for my child, but I can chose better choices for me and reflect them onto my son and those around me I'm in relationship with beginning with peace within.

I was also at a small lecture with Dr. Sherri Wheaton Saturday afternoon as part of Yellow Springs, Ohio Wellness Weekend.  Dr. Wheaton  took us through a couple of exercises which I know as mediation or just pausing during a day and her name for them was grounding (stilling the body and mind) and tracking (noticing the environment) and choosing a "resource" to focus on - something or someone that brings you immediately into a calm, peaceful place.  I have several of these and a few are: focusing on my third eye chakra spot and going to the place I feel so good at when I'm meditating in yoga or at church, thinking of my son's face and connecting to his beauty and how blessed I am he is in my life, thinking of my grandmother who has been on the other side since 2004, almost an exact year to the date my son was conceived.  At the end of the exercise, Dr. Wheaton asked if anyone wanted to share their experience and a man, in front of all of us strangers, shared how his dog had died two weeks ago from a brain tumor she had several months and how he thought of her running and playing because he decided in that moment that it was time for him to begin to think of her that way going forward.  It was such a tender and sweet story and we came to find out the dog's name was Namaste.  Dr. Wheaton said she liked to call Namaste (this man's Resource for calm and peace and grounding) "God".  I get this.  I cannot tell the number of times I have been touched by someones presence or gift, gotten chills even, or teared up with so much love and emotion in my heart and immediately think, "Oh!  God!"  Like, of course!  What a gift this person has that I'm experiencing!  Because, really, I believe God is within each and everyone of us.  It begins within.  Whether or not you call God by another name (Source, Mother, Father, Sophia, Allah, Buddha and the list goes on...) the result is the same.  It's within us all.  It's our self.  Our self.  It (the peace) begins within us all. 

Back to Cindi White and some random thoughts and quotes I feverishly transcribed during yesterday's Unity service (I was beside myself wanting to retain her words and share them here!)

"Peace flows like a river through my mind..." - Charles Filmore.

With regard to getting sucked into someone Else's frenzy (like road rage for instance) "I'm at peace so I'm not seeing that around me," - whatever that represents.

"Peace is not an absence of war.  It's a virtue.  It's a state of mind." - Spinoza (What teacher's of the past have known all along.)

Where can we find peace in our own lives?

A children's story.  There was a king who offered a prize to the person who could best paint him a picture representing what peace is.  The contest cam down to two participants.  One drew a still lake, with a calm sky and surroundings and everyone thought this the winner.  The king picked the second painting though of a tumultuous lake with winds and clouds and a storm and a torrential waterfall because when he looked carefully through the waterfall he saw a rock with a tree branch sticking out and a nest with a mother Robin sitting on it.  Peace is not only in a place without hard work and tumult, but in calamity of heart. 

Our choice is to create a nest inside where we always go to rest (like Dr. Wheaton's "resource".)

Resisting what is doesn't bring peace within.  True peace is the stillness within our own hearts.

"Only the mind turned inward...will find peace." - TAO

"To the mind that is still the whole universe surrenders." - Eastern philosophy.

(And here I break because I have to go to a callback for a film!  Yeah!  And I don't want to feel rushed and not have peace trying to complete this and still drive the 20 miles to Pittsburgh under the clock! So there will be a part 2 later!)

Green Peace...Literally!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  Though only Irish by some long ago ancestors I decided in my childhood to embrace this day as if I were a full blown Irish American, Catholic and one of a slew of siblings in a huge Irish Catholic family rather than an only child in a Protestant one!  In any case it's all about the spirit of this holiday and having red hair, how can I not celebrate St. Patrick's?  Green goes so well with my look.  I miss the energy of downtown Chicago on this day and the green river (though I wonder at how environmentally green this tradition is viewed today and if the chemicals have been modified in anyway as we have moved into awareness about taking better care of our environment!)  In yoga class this morning, my teacher Monica reminded me that green is the color of the heart chakra.  So fitting to the happy, exuberant joyfulness this day brings out in people, Irish or not!  Also appropriate to my son whose favorite color is green, as was my grandmother's (hi Nana!)  Anyway, just a short note in the spirit of St. Patrick's Day and sharing something positive about the color green, which is ever so present on so many bodies today!  xo

Personal History and Peace

Over these past two weeks I've seemed to dive straight into many yoga classes and a personal quest for daily peaceful mindedness (or, peace-of-mindedness) writing about it all the way.  It may seem as if I have a childlike wonder about it all, discovering it all for the first time - the yoga, meditation, mind/body/spiritual journey but in fact it's been an awareness I've had just about all my life (as far back as I can remember, anyway) in part because of my parents and their journey.  I am told that when my parents first got together, my dad was reading Edgar Casey's stuff.  When I was small enough to start talking but still in a crib, both my parents tell me that there was a period of several months when I would point from my crib to the same, blank spot on a white wall and say, "The eye".  When questioned, I was always very consistent, pointing to the same spot and telling my parents the eye was my friend, played with me, even ate my crackers with me.  I'm sure Sylvia Brown would think this most natural.  My parents, being familiar with Edgar Casey and learning about the third eye thought that's in fact what I was referring to - the third eye (was I just seeing my mind's third eye and projecting that onto the wall, or as Sylvia Brown might surmise was it an ancestor or spirit visiting me frequently?)  Both thoughts are appealing as I lean toward enjoying the metaphysical and paranormal explanations.  So, I think my journey sort of began, as many (including my parents and Sylvia Brown) would believe before I incarnated - a soul who picked this lifetime and parents to come into this world through and learn and give all that is necessary in order to ascend to a higher soul level when I leave.  I further believe (because from the time I can remember as a kid and going through several metaphysical-type workshops, books and tapes over the past two decades I have been told by many I am an "old soul") this is it for me - wishful thinking perhaps, but I have no plans on coming back (I just gave God a huge belly laugh for the day and You are welcome, thank you very much).

I have not gone off the deepened nor am I just blathering excitedly about a bunch of new things I'm discovering trying to acclimate to a new environment.  When I was a kid in the late '70' and early '80's growing up in white bread Father Knows Best Michigan suburbs my mom practiced and taught yoga, experimented with vegetarianism, veganism and macrobiotics and we had a meditation room in our house with one wall that was completely mirrored and an alter with a huge Buddha on top.  If we lived perhaps somewhere in California, or even here in Yellow Springs I'm sure it wouldn't have been anything out of the mainstream.  But, it wasn't in the mainstream when I was a kid and teen and I had a friend who when she spent the night and reported our room to her mom wasn't allowed over anymore! 

In my early '20's I discovered Louise L. Hay's book and meditation tape "You Can Heal Your Life" and that was the introduction into the world of how powerful our minds can be in our healing process.  That it's not just about what we ingest, but also the thoughts we think.  And, here I am today focusing my Lent on being peaceful and cancelling negative thoughts two decades later!  I started yoga as a teen taking my mom's Hatha classes and re-visited it through the years mostly through a gym where I did cardio and had a membership or through a play I was in when the people I worked with warmed us up using various breath and yoga practices.  In my early '30's I found a wonderful studio in Rochester, Michigan where I lived five years and was one of the first to take classes when they opened their doors.  That studio, Updog studio, was my introduction to Sanskrit words for poses and having teachers gently adjust me and my favorite part of every practice "corpse" pose or Shavasana.  I also found prenatal yoga at Updog and when I miscarried after only practicing a few weeks a very healing place to recover. 

The Yoga Springs Studio here in Yellow Springs is a sister studio I believe to Updog and I am incredibly fortunate to be able to practice here.  Without planning for it, I have not been to the gym and done a 60-70 minute cardio machine in the nearly two weeks I've been practicing yoga here and I'm finding I don't miss it, nor does my body.  I am more mindful of what I ingest.  My muscles, especially my arm muscles, are stronger and more toned and I feel better physically and mentally that I have for months.  With me, it's always a matter of what I'm ingesting that makes my moods, and if I'm out of balance with too much wine, fast food or sugar than guaranteed I will wake up harder and feel bloated and lousy.

My parents live in a small community on Sparrow Hawk Mountain where the Sancta Sophia Seminary is located on the outskirts of the small town of Tahlequah, Oklahoma.  This is in the heart of the Cherokee Nation.  I thought they were a bit out of touch when they moved there ten years ago because my mom found a house she fell in love with while visiting the Seminary a couple of times getting ordained as a minister.  Living 17 hours away from me, I am not grateful my parents are surrounded by a community of people who I feel confident will help take care of them as they grow older in my place.  There are also a lot of spiritually-like minded people around my parents and I'm seeing how important that is - just to have like-minded folks around me not to mention spiritual ones!  I had that in the 7 years I developed relationships with actors I'd worked with at 7 or 8 theatres in Metro Detroit.  The stage work always worked because I was on stage with people I was the most me with.  I thought that was linked to acting, but now believe it's more than the work - of course it is!  It's a like-mindedness.  Heart, mind and body and acceptance.  I never had the feeling of censoring myself in thought to my performance friends and family because I felt safe and welcome to share my thoughts (even if I was told, "You are weird" it was always in fun and acceptance).  I'm thinking I am finding a community here in Yellow Springs and at the Yoga Studio to find a new "friend-family". 

I am also attuned to Reiki at the Master Level, which means I could teach Reiki and attune someone else.  My mom is a Master Reiki healer and she held some workshops at least ten years ago I attended.  My notes from all of it are packed in storage.  I have only practiced enough using two symbols all these years for self healing and on my son (who asks for the hand healing sometimes).  I intend to re-visit Reiki again and look for opportunities I can practice it more.  Maybe start with having a Reiki session for myself here at a little massage studio I went to yesterday and had a foot massage (my favorite).  I've been cutting back on all that extra stuff watching what I spend so I haven't had a massage or pedicure or facial since I can't remember last year.  I've decided to bring at least the feet indulgences back occasionally as they truly are the ones I like the most.

So my history with peace is opening up to new chapters and who knows what I'll be reflecting on in my fifties?

Peace and Balance

Balance is the month's theme at my yoga classes where I seem to be spending a lot of time these days.  (Flow is a word commonly used in the Yoga practice and it reminds me to stay in the flow of things - go with the flow - as in the case of this morning when I woke up intending to practice yoga in my living room and see a voice over student at 11:30 just to discover my student cancelled via email which opened me up to be able to do a 10:00 Yoga class instead!)  I wasn't irritated or didn't have a feeling of, "Great.  Now what?"  Instead, it was perfectly fine and natural thinking, "Oh.  I'll be able to go to the ten o'clock Yoga class I enjoyed so much last week!"  Definitely in the flow.  Two bonuses to my morning: One, Sam eating my pancakes from scratch (I'm sure women for decades have stumbled from bed to stove but for me this is not something practiced daily) which include to Sam's unawares wheat flour, egg, milk, honey and, wait for it...wheat germ (recipe thanks to my good friend from college we stayed with over Thanksgiving!)  Sam had three.  Two: I had a voice-over audition to record and it was a children's story narration to boot - work I feel very confident in and shine at, so I was able to be in my art first thing this morning which is always a great jump start to my day.

Back to balance. 

My Yoga teacher, Monica, asked the class who among us was feeling out of balance this morning?  After thinking a bit, I slightly raised my hand, deciding that I think every day has the potential for me to feel at least slightly out of balance, especially having two other people in my inner most world - my husband and son - and their worlds meshing with mine every day.  Interesting. 

Monica spoke several phrases of wisdom this morning and one thing was about taking pause.  How in the Yoga practice, we take pause and give transition between poses which allows us to fully experience and appreciate the place we have just come from and open the next place we are going to.  Monica suggested taking this practice into our daily routine as we rush from activity to activity - to take at least one minute after completing one activity or task before diving into the next.  I like that.  I am going to try and remember this as I go forward now with my life, even when I finish writing this and hit "Publish" to sit with it for at least a full minute before going onto my email, or writing checks for my bills, or editing a narration I recorded yesterday for a website for the blind.  After each activity I will allow myself the opportunity to pause...or I will try to anyway!

Monica also spoke about appointment books and balance.  How she used to be a person (very much like myself currently) who tried to manage every moment in a date book or appointment book and then one day decided to just chuck it all.  She said she realized quickly (her toddler daughter having much to do with the decision) she wasn't doing very well with her time without some semblance of logging appointments and notes and gave herself permission (and suggested to us) to use an appointment book or time management system if that worked for us.  There's a balance there as with everything else.  Monica also suggested (which I like very much) to include the appointments and times that are good for us in our daily activity journal - like meditation, or yoga, or whatever that may be...when I was pregnant I took a nap every afternoon and never felt guilty about it because I was pregnant.  I already have my yoga sessions scheduled but will open myself up to include even just some quiet moments for me as well.

I can't end these thoughts without thinking about the people of Japan again, as I have been doing so much as I'm sure so many of us have.  At the Brother Bear coffee shop in Yellow Springs where I sit typing, there is a post card labeled 'Japan' above the register and the photo is of a harbor with a glorious bridge and building structures.  I can't help but think of New York City and how people internationally were going about their lives in the initial aftermath of 911, taking occasional pause to think of the Americans and lives lost here in our country...some sending prayers... some reflecting on their own situations and being thankful...some sending money.  I cannot imagine what it is like over in Japan right now.  No amount of media images do the damage justice.  I cannot fathom what "1,000 Bodies Washed Ashore" as the headline on my Dayton Daily Newspaper read yesterday even looks like, save from imagining some horror movie-esq type images.  As a mother of a small child, when these disasters occur (Katrina, Haiti, Christchurch) my mind always goes to the parents and I think of those who are separated from their children when the disaster strikes, or who have children in hospitals, or who have children who aren't potty trained and no access to dry cloth or diapers.  My heart breaks and opens compassionately to these people and I surround them with healing light and love and I am grateful for my own existence and families health and safety.  I am also grateful to be able to send a small donation to the Red Cross which I will do today.

A very wise woman I know commented on what I wrote yesterday that she daily prays for peace and patience in her life.  Peace and patience.  Balance.  Challenging to do when thinking about Japan right now.  Essential though in mind, body and spiritual health.  For me at least.  Maybe for you.

The No Good Very Bad Day

I'm going to chalk yesterday (Sunday) up to (and in the spirit of one of my son's book titles) A No Good Very Bad Day.  We all have them.  Seeing more photos and reading about Japan's suffering and devastation (I can not even imagine what 1,000 bodies washed up on shore looks like) my no good bad Sunday pales greatly to others.  Touting my quest for peace as I have over the past week though I feel it right to write a bit about it and reflect and just chalk the entire thing up to what it was - a day without much peace, comfort and so many scuffles and arguments between me and my son and husband (on my husband's birthday no less) that I have lost count.

(I set myself up for failure right off the bat putting my husband's birthday in this golden light of "Let's have a glorious, smooth day where 'Daddy' can just do whatever he wants since it's his day, okay?")

It didn't help at all that I woke up feeling pretty physically crummy.  I was very, very tired and couldn't think why even though I had plenty of sleep hours (though with - as blogged before - who knows how many interruptions throughout the night).  Maybe it was because I overindulged in the snacks the day before with the sesame sticks and carob covered raisins.  More often than not, when I feel really crappy, it's a result of what I've digested - too much caffeine, too much sugar, alcohol, etc.  On top of it all, my eyes were about glued shut because I wore my contact lenses too many hours the day before and when this happens they are extremely sensitive to bright light - so I'm like a mole always squinting and wearing sunglasses indoors all day. 

Dave was gone when Sam and I woke up at nine (Daylight savings - really eight) having driven backtracking his ride from the previous day where a 300.00 bike jersey blew off his bike during a 70 mile ride in hopes of finding it.  Within the first 10 minutes or so of Sam and I being awake we were arguing over what has lately become a daily occurrence in our home at least once: a meal.  Sam: "I'm hungry:" Me. "What do you want?" (First mistake thank you very much all those parenting books and advice givers over the past 5 years encouraging choice).  Sam: "I don't know".  And, so begins the dance of every suggestion resulting in whining negative responses until finally Sam decides what he wants I'm not willing to give him as his first and most important meal of the day: Cheeze-Its (Second mistake introducing him to such Cheeze-Its and continuing having them in my pantry).  Hardly awake and without my green tea giving me my only burst of caffeine for the day and in the first few minutes arguing with my angry child. 

Getting past that and moving on to waiting for Birthday Man/Dad to cross the threshold to go to church with us (which I am completely not motivated to do - but Dave has only accompanied us once and has left a note volunteering to and ride his bike later in the afternoon).  I use every bit of energy it seems to take a shower and dress and when Dave finally appears after ten, it's with phone in hand and on a business call.  Being in the mood I'm in already, and having just gotten upset that a business person called us the night before (Saturday night at 9:00 - don't these people have lives?) I was not happy.  Sam had been sitting with the envelope containing his hand-made card for several minutes waiting for Dave to walk in the door and after blow drying my hair and getting dressed Dave was still on the phone.  Getting past that to Sam wanting birthday ice cream cake - another birthday surprise he'd been busting at the seams to share - and now my son was eating that with his dad after having virtually no breakfast (another battle lost). 

Deciding not to go to church but tool around Yellow Springs looking at an old, water covered abandoned outdoor amphitheatre and neighborhoods at houses for sale, we were all having a decent time - family time and it was nice, spoiled only by lunch out.  (Mistake three letting the restaurant choice be driven by Sam wanting pizza to eat and not wanting to fight...who are the adults and who is the child you ask?  Yes.  Me too). 

Of course pizza was not eaten without a battle and parent's got mad at child and each other.  At home, Birthday Man/Dad took a one hour nap while I tried to find things to do without turning on the television, which I turned on eventually, with Sam.  Birthday Man/Dad went on his bike ride at 3:30 and during the course of that whole time - nap until Bike Man's return - I can't count the number of small riffs between me and whining child son. 

I fed Sam and me an hour before Dave returned (actually, okay as Sam ate 5 of the 6 chicken nuggets - demanding first to see the natural food's box they were packaged in - and 4 of his mandarin oranges) and made Dave a broiled chicken salad for when he got back.  About 20 minutes before Dave got back from his 3 hour ride, Sam, probably exhausted as I from all the day's head butting, fell asleep on the couch and stayed that way for nearly 2 hours. 

Dave agreed to take Sam to hockey solo tonight while I go to a Level 2 Hatha yoga class here in - you guess it - Yellow Springs, as well as to get Sam off to bed without my help.  I left the two of them and read all the female parts to the entire play The God of Carnage aloud (while silently filling in the male roles) as well as last week's Hollywood Reporter before going to sleep - which was after Dave and Sam (an earlier attempt to put Sam to bed failed as he was completely wired from having a two hour nap!)

When I woke up this morning, Dave and I were both determined to be completely positive with Sam and let go of the previous day's melees - chalking it up as I mentioned before to just an off day.  He took him to school.  I had tea and browsed the Internet on my iPad.  Received a call from a woman who I spoke to at length about teaching a group of her clients voice over, did some yoga and meditation and recorded an article for the website for the blind Assistive Media Dot Com.  Sometimes things just don't work right emotionally between you and the people you are in relationship with - no matter how much every time there's a riff or argument you think, "Okay, let's try to have a good day going forward" that good day refuses to come.  The key I have found - and real blessing - is that every day is a new chance for renewal for mind, body and spirit.  Sometimes that thinking can be applied to every moment, and sometimes not.  It's there though, like peace, waiting to be accessed and not given up on. 

(PS - Dave did not find his jersey and my eyes have returned to normal).

Peace without catastrophe

Once again I'm confronted with it taking a major catastrophe to remind me of my peaceful, grateful and calming mind.

I'm talking about what is currently going on in northern Japan and affecting our countries coast - the latest earthquake/tsunami catastrophe in recent years to saturate the media (and, I can at least scream a huge THANK YOU GOD that for once, news of one, drug addicted television situation comedy actor, teen actor or aging alcoholic anti-Semitic actor have been bumped from the daily headlines!!!)  Tragic, though, it's takes an utter catastrophe and high death toll count.

I actually pinched a nerve between my shoulder blades on my upper back before ever stepping from my bedroom into the TV room this morning.  Peace was no where to be found.  Let me explain.

Dave gets up on average before 5AM every day.  I could wake up and go back to sleep over and over again, every day, all day for the rest of my life, no matter how much sleep I've had the night before.  I have waited all my life to be a morning person and accept that it will never happen. As I get older, I am convinced that even if my bladder wakes me up every hour on the hour during the night to pee I will always happily climb back into bed and under the covers and go back to sleep, dreading the alarm and family and morning waking me up all too soon.

Dave watched the news in the morning.  He is a morning person.  My mom is a morning person.  These are people who from the moment their eyes snap open they are pleasant, forming intelligent thoughts and phrases and most to the point (and my dismay) include you in their plans, thoughts and phrases the moment they lay eyes on you - or me in my case, as I usually don't get out of bed until a good 2 hours after Dave.  I have to remind him after ten years that he needs to give me a solid 5 minutes before, not speaking to me because that's just wrong I think, but hitting me with any kind of agenda of his whatsoever (I think this plan first initiated when I was on the toilet and from Dave's desk he was asking me about flight arrangements).  I'm dramatic when I wake up.  It never alters from whether or not I've had 5 hours of sleep or 10, or had wine the night before or chamomile tea, or heavy foods or healthy foods.  My eyes are heavy and if I walk immediately into light (or if the light goes on suddenly) it's a HUGE shock to my system (visions of old scary movies when vampires hiss and back away as light begins to assault them through broken window cracks). 

Then, there's my five year-old son who wakes up always after about two or three hours at night and crawls into our Queen sized bed in between us.  I'm sure I wake up at least a dozen times through the night battling a knee in my back, tiny feet burrowing under my legs and 50 pounds pressing me further and further to the edge of the bed.  So, who knows really, between that, peeing and my early riser husband, how restful any amount of nightly sleep I get?

Oh, we also have an 11 month old 12 pound ball of furry cat who decides somewhere around 5AM she wants to be with Dave.  (Can't leave the door always open because of the 2 bedroom apartment thing and the TV, lights and kitchen being right on the other side - already I have an air purifier humming at night providing white noise to drown out any sounds of traffic and Dave in the morning).

This morning, Sophie began meowing to get out before 5AM.  The light under our bedroom door confirmed Dave was indeed on the other side, as did the low murmur of the television.  I stumbled over to the door and keeping my eyes closed and on inside of the door to maximize staying as close to asleep as possible under the circumstances I cracked the door for her escape.  Only Sophie didn't escape.  She hid under the bed.  No amount of kissing sounds and purring coos brought her over.  So, I returned to bed.  Only to do this dance two more times in the next few minutes before finally I peeked out, saw Dave and squinting from the light piercing my eyes and trying to have the clearest and loudest voice over the TV possible (also trying very hard to be nice) I asked Dave to please do me a favor and close the door when he notices Sophie coming out because she won't come out when I come to the door and I've tried three times already.  This did not get me the "sure honey" results I was hoping for but instead enlisted Dave to defend himself as if I just got angry at him for the cat waking me up and it's all his fault.  We went back and forth several times and at that point, of course with the blood rushing faster through my veins, I was slowly waking up from the early morning sleep I was trying desperately to hang onto.  The cat during all of this did leave on her own prompting me to utter "forget it" or something and going back to bed, only when I went to lay down I head-butted my son who had shifted from his middle position to my pillow.  I was hurt.  He was not (which, is really a good thing, but I was not thinking that at 5AM this morning after just getting into it with Dave and the cat all before 5AM I might add!)  So, sitting up in bed, in the dark, away from Sam I hurled my upper body with both fists pounding on the bed silently three or four times hence, wait for it, the pinched nerve between my shoulder blades this morning.  WHERE WAS MY PEACE THEN I ASK YOU?

I did manage to go back to sleep.  So did my son, who woke me up four minutes before our 7AM alarm singing it's ring tone, the classic Sesame Street theme.  When we walked out, Dave apologized for not understanding me earlier and said it was because he was in fact engrossed in the news about Japan and turned on CNN so I could witness the reports myself.  At that moment, my calm and peace returned.  I also woke up.  Fully.  All I could think about were the people I know in California and Seattle who didn't even know at 4AM their time what they were going to wake up to (Dave assured me they were all up high or inland and safe).  I began absorbing the images on our TV screen of the cars being washed away like toys in my son's bath and thinking of all those people who are in the middle of this.  Another catastrophe to bring me down to earth, balance my emotions, be grateful for mine and my families surroundings and health and calm my body and mind. 

In yoga practice this morning, I focused much of my energy surrounding Japan and our coasts with healing light and love. 

The challenge still remains for me to find this place without disaster.

Modern Tech & Peace

I'm sitting again at the Brother Bear coffee shop in downtown Yellow Springs, Ohio waiting for my morning yoga class.  It dawned on me as I walked from my car to here that coming here over the past week has been like a kind of retreat - you know those retreats you go on to find spiritual balance and get away from the every day grind?  I also thought about if I lived here (which is now a strong contender if we stay in Ohio) where would I retreat to when I needed what I'm getting from hanging out here so much lately?  Or, maybe I wouldn't need to retreat anywhere as my home base would be my spiritual comfort (and isn't that what point I've kind of been making all along?  That your home base should be one of comfort, but really, your peace should come from within and not depend on where you lay your head at night - yeah, right, try telling that to the inner city homeless living out of Kroger shopping carts).  I need to digress and give props to the incredible lattes I've been drinking made by the owner here at Brother Bear (have you heard of the economic up turn latte factor?  That our countries economic upswing gets measured by the amount of "lattes" Americans are buying?)  Anyway, his is the best, bar none, latte (consistently, I must add) I have ever put my lips to.  My first job at Coffee Chicago (Chicago Avenue off Michigan Ave - downtown - you guessed it - Chicago) my sophomore year in college was for four hours every Saturday night working with another college girl making espresso drinks - so I know how challenging a perfect blend of espresso, milk and foam can be to make.  Through a clear mug, my Brother Bear latte is the most beautiful, creamy tan color with a 1/2 inch of foam whipped on top - every single time.  Indulgence.  Yes.  I go back and forth in life between pinching my pennies and not eating out, going through drive-thru's and drinking Starbucks to hanging out in coffee shops nearly daily and drinking lattes.  When Dave was in Afghanistan for nearly five months (and only there as a volunteer making triple pay to get us back in the black after the economic downturn had us blow through our savings - like so many Americans) under weekly terrorist rocket fire I watched what I spent like a hawk.  Upon his return, we've been partying a bit it seems (oh, what that word "partying" used to mean to me!) frequently eating out meals and, yes, drinking lattes.  But, as I wrote above, I digress.  The point to this morning's blog - modern tech and peace - is sharing a small video I took with my iPhone while hiking recently at the Clifton Gorge State Park nearby - of course - downtown Yellow Springs.  I had gone on a small hike there a few days earlier with Dave and Sam and taken a few family pictures.  I decided then to return if the weather was again a sunny day by myself that week and explore on my own.  Ordinarily, I wouldn't have my phone on me but as a mom it's just a necessity to be able to be contacted in the case of a dreaded emergency or illness.  I ended up hiking close to an hour, one way along the river until I was stopped by the river flooding the path I was on and then all the way back past my starting point to a set of long stairs back to the parking lot area.  I can't remember exactly my thought process shooting the first of four videos on my iPhone of small waterfalls and babbling brooks other than I thought it might be nice to have these to turn to if ever I was in a place (and had my phone, of course) where I needed some calming, peaceful bits of nature to rest my mind.  I have attached the first video and plan to share the other three here - perhaps even do more with them like loop them all together for a longer nature video, like the ones I remember being able to watch on a hospital's TV channel in my room when I was recovering from my C-section after Sam's birth.  In any case, kind of a perfect blend of peace, meditation old school and modern tech capturing it all on my iPhone.

Peace Obstacles

I woke up this morning with some kind of awful heartburn or indigestion right under my solar plexus and above my abdomen.  My husband had to take our son to school and I took Pepto Bismal and went back to bed for two hours.  I woke up again to find I was still uncomfortable, but not as bad as earlier, and decided to shake it off and move around a bit (hoping if I was constipated, maybe that would help shake things up and out so to speak) and I cleaned our apartment (which always makes me feel better anyway - after the face that as).  I'm glad I chose that route and did not cancel my new voice-over student (due here in about 20 minutes) because now I'm feeling good.  When I was vacuuming, I heard myself say one of my favorite swear words - SH-T or the F-bomb or something and this very loud thought popped into my head screaming, "It's Lent!"  Oh, yes.  (See Blog 4).  Lent.  The first day of letting go of negative thinking and swearing and limiting thoughts.  Ah ha.  It's a good thing I'm not keeping score or trying to see how long I can go without a negative thought or swear word because I would very soon tire of the game I'm afraid and give up on this Lenten project all together.  (And, I'm afraid I'm wrong about Lent not being for dieting and giving up chocolate, at least according to a reporter in my Dayton Daily News yesterday who referenced Lent as a time when Christians give up something they really like for 40 days).  Not that I really like swearing or being negative (well, okay, sometimes I guess I do) but to each his own, right?  It's raining outside.  I was hoping for a glorious sunny and warm day marking the first day of my positive thinking journey with light beams and rainbows.  Blockage one: Physical.  Blockage two: The Weather.  Not to worry.  I laugh at you minor obstacles!  There's really something to be said (I digress) for the AA mantra "One day at a time".  Sometimes, it's one moment.  Today, I am open to the possibilities.

Peace in thoughts

I'm not catholic and have grown up sometimes participating in Lenten rituals and sometimes not.  I attend Unity church of Dayton.  Unity teaches truth principals based on the teachings of Jesus Christ with translations towards every day life.  It's pretty relaxed and modern as far as church goes.  Yesterday, Lent was discussed and I decided to embrace practicing letting go of negative thinking for the 40 days of Lent (beginning yesterday, really and extending I hope beyond Easter Sunday.  It's a consciousness I think.  One that goes hand in hand with my quest for finding peace in every day places.  I decided as part of my letting go of negative thinking process to include letting go of the idea of where I live (see Blog 1) holding the key to my happiness.  So, I'm letting go of Michigan and moving back to my house in Dexter as a central key to my happiness as am I letting go of living in our two bedroom apartment in a very transient section of Beavercreek, Ohio as a central key to my happiness (and with those go a lot of negative thinking).  I'm also including swearing in the negative thinking.  As much as I love saying a couple of the words more than others (begins with SH and ends in T, and the F-bomb) I need to do this more for my five year-old's ears than mine (last week I heard him scream out, "God D----t!" from his room and he told me he stubbed his toe and that's what I say when I get hurt). 

Also discussed at Unity yesterday was (a reminder for me) the idea of doing your passion.  For me, my passion work has always been in the performing arts - acting on stage, in film, recording audio books, performing voice-over commercials and cartoon voices.  The idea that your work should be something that you give from within and not drudgery...even if you are mainly working at a job that is a means to an end, not to think of it as such, but rather a place of service.  That when you begin to think of your work as giving a part of yourself in service, you begin to receive that energy from others and give with love.  Kind of "God on the job".  Commit to abundance.  Affluence means to flow freely forth.  Remove obstructive thoughts. 

I will try this Lenten season to up limiting thoughts and beliefs about myself and others.  I won't steal others joy or my own by making judgements on them or negative thoughts on myself.  Along with giving up negative thoughts, swearing, and releasing residence as a key to my happiness, I release negative thoughts about my body which I've had since I was at least in middle school.  I will accept myself and body and love it all.  I will care for myself and my family lovingly from a place of service (as they are a reflection of me)!  I will also embrace and appreciate whatever form of my work passion comes my way and live in the moment of it all and celebrate my past experiences, whether it be coaching a student, an audition, or, as with last night, acting on camera on a student film set.  I have always struggled with not fully being present with my work as when I finally am doing it I'm continually looking for the next job, or measuring my achievements against my peers or others (where I should be...what I wish I had).

I find myself aware very much of negative and limiting thoughts creeping into my mind and it's going to be a challenge not to let them all get the best of me.  I look forward to the challenge.

Gray Yellow Springs Saturday

Managed to take a 2pm yoga class at Yoga Springs this afternoon...after playing hockey mom for Sam this morning and on a very rainy, gray Saturday afternoon.  I am feeling relaxed as a result, sitting again at the Emporium coffee cafe and wine store and listening to a man play the piano in the style of George Winston, while another improvises next to him on his guitar.  Free music.  Also, there are a load of elementary school aged kids playing in what seems to be a chess club next to me sprawled out over about 4 or 5 tables.  Their leader/teacher is a young man who is very brisk but encouraging ("The next time you castle with your rook you're going to what?  PUSH your pawn!")  I will remember this when I next play my dad, who taught me chess on a set his mom gave him as a kid, when I was 12.  Pleasant memories.  Free.  I have some short videos - one to two minutes - on my phone I will upload to one of these blogs soon that I shot last week when I hiked through the Clifton Gorge nearby.  I was inspired by meditation sounds on CD's and even videos I've seen (one played on a channel at the hospital I had my son at) and thought I would take a short one, then kept finding different spots to take more, in the hopes of when I am feeling disconnected to nature, not grounded, feeling tense and difficult to get peaceful I can look at one of these on my phone from wherever I am and remember the peaceful walk and nature.  (I also had a fleeting thought reading the news this morning that on my first blog I kvetched about my two bedroom apartment and felt guilty thinking about Anne Frank and her family living with another family in the small attic space for all those years).  I know, I know.  This is my world.  It's always a balance between honoring my feelings about whatever and not feeling guilty comparing my blessings to those less fortunate from the past and present.  The yoga was free today.  Did I mention that?  The studio was celebrating 7 years and offered several hours of different classes in their two studios.  I came to the last hour and took a restorative Hatha Yoga Level I class from an instructor whose same class I took on Wednesday.  It was a different energy sharing the studio space with 11 other people and listening for a long time during the beginning of the class to the voices and bustling in the hallway.  I overheard my teacher talking with another student at Wednesday's class end that she suddenly lost her husband 4 1/2 weeks ago.  She is so thankful to have her practice.  She was also my son's children's yoga instructor Wednesday afternoon.  I told her I overheard what she said and mentioned how sorry I was and that I bet she is living very much in the now moment, to which she agreed and we spoke briefly about the challenges of trying to live that way daily and without some kind of major tragedy to get us to that place. 

The chess instructor just belted out, "Why do we play chess?" to which the kids yelled, "To have fun!"  Such a good reminder for anything I take on in life.  If it's not fun, then don't do it.  When my son came out of his skating lesson this morning he announced to me he didn't want to come anymore.  I knew it was because the teacher was focusing on very specific skill sets and techniques that my son was having troubles with.  He is marvelous at having no fear skating really fast forward.  I told him how he was the only 5 year-old in the class and all of the other boys are 6 and older and have been skating much longer than him and he should be so proud of himself.  He smiled and told me how good he did skating fast and then didn't tell me anymore how he didn't want to come again.  My son teaches me so much.  Patience.  Fun.  Risk.  Trying something new and staying with it.  Practice.  I find peace in this. 

I am now going to attempt to re-visit a one act play I wrote two years ago and condense it into ten minutes.  Ten pages, according to my playwrite friend is what a ten minute play length should be.  I am challenged by how to end it.  I will try this new thing.  Playwriting.  I will try it and enjoy it and send it out for criticism and embrace it all. 

Weather and ill son challenges peace

Instead of sunshine it's gloomy, grey and raining outside today.  My son has had a fever all day and body aches and is cranky and clingy.  I have been in our little apartment cuddling him, napping with him, soothing him, watching cartoons with him and in between cleaned our bathrooms and kitchen, dusted, paid bills and wrote some emails.  I also re-read a short script I'm starting filming on this Sunday.  I lost peace entirely with my son trying to get him to take liquid Tylenol for the second time today and ended up screaming at him, "Just take it!"  I still feel horrible about that.  So, where did my peace go?  Where's the altered, loving, light energy I felt walking down the stairs and outside to the streets of Yellow Springs from a yoga class yesterday?  I close my eyes and breathe and see the third eye glow that appears whenever I'm in my peaceful energy place (seriously, I do and according to my parents when I began speaking there was a 6 month period when I would point to the same, blank spot on a white wall above my crib and talk about the Eye that visited me).  My husband will be leaving all day tomorrow to go do a bike race and I will take care of our son.  I was planning to drive to Michigan for a Shakespeare Festival Theatre audition, and decided not to go because of our son's ice skating/hockey lessons and now because he is sick.  A sitter is supposed to come tomorrow at 1:00 so I can go to another yoga class (it's free yoga at the studio tomorrow celebrating their 7 years there) and I hope I can go.  Somehow, driving away from here and over 20 minutes to Yellow Springs and that yoga studio is giving me a good purpose (other than being my son's mom, husband's wife and sometimes performing artist) and a peaceful being.  It's trying to hold onto that being in the small, dark sick infested apartment that's the challenge. 

Finding My Peace

I've decided to start blogging about my constant search for peace and contentment and ways I've been recently finding both.  I've decided that no matter where I live I can find ways (mostly inexpensive) to adjust to surroundings and situations that I start off literally hating (and being incredibly depressed and unhappy with).  I have also come to terms with the saying "Home is Where the Heart Is" - it literally is.

Side bar - I remember seeing a program - 20/20 or something - recently where the reporter was in some third world, very poor village and interviewing (with translator) people outside their shacks (literally, paper bags in some cases it seemed) asking the question, "Are you happy"?  These people, all of them, did not understand - could not comprehend "Happy" - their happiness was not a consideration every day - what was the focus was finding food for themselves and their kids - not being sick - finding another paper bag to live in when the tsunami comes and blows away their current one. 

I have grown up privileged as an American.  Further privileged by my middle class, suburban upbringing and further privileged by my race and living in the 20th and 21st centuries.  I have never known poverty or hunger.  Nor does my 5 year-old son.  Also as an American I have lived under this umbrella of shelter and focus towards living a happy life.  Being happy.  Finding happiness.  Finding peace.  I grew up in a New Age household and we had a meditation room upstairs when I was in middle school in the early 1980's - something not so foreign today, but Vivien Koziel's mom wouldn't let her over anymore after she spent the night and told her mom about our room. 

Recently, I moved with my son to Dayton, Ohio (where I was born) for my husband's work.  Our home in Dexter, Michigan, where we lived for five years (I was 8 months pregnant when we moved into our house) didn't sell last year and currently has tenants whose lease expires April 3.  I have been living in a 2 bedroom apartment since last May.  The apartment complex is new and full of mostly single people in their 20's and 30's.  There are no kids.  There is a pool.  I am 44.  We live close to a major highway and practically on top of every chain restaurant and store imaginable and a shopping mall.  There is nothing neither quaint nor charming about this environment.

Quaint and charming describe the little village of Dexter a mile from my house in Michigan.  I could walk into our Life is Good Store and chat for 20 minutes with the store's owner, as I could the bakery, or barber shop where my son had his first hair cut.  We just got a huge, brand new library last year and the schools are touted as some of our countries best (public schools).  My son took swimming lessons at the public indoor pool during the winter and all my neighbors in our cul-de-sac knew me and liked me.  I liked them.  My son was just getting to the age where he could play outside and run over to the neighbors two doors down to play with their kids, or our neighbor's grand kids out back when they visited.  I try not to attach myself emotionally to material things (like houses) but I am an actress after all and my emotions regularly take over my intellect, so I say with much heart I love my Dexter house.  When I first walked in very pregnant with my first and only child I loved it immediately (and that intensified when I walked into the master bedroom, what became my walk-in closet and master bath).  When I had students (I coach voice-over) over privately, or in small workshops, first-timers would always, always remark how lovely my neighborhood and house was and I took pride in this.  Privilege.  Yes.  I never took this for granted.  I still don't.  But, my house was my haven.  No matter where my husband was traveling - no matter what stress I felt from parenthood, or relationships, or work (or lack thereof) or whatever I had my home to go to at the end of the day and I truly, truly felt blessed and my spirit renewed. 

The best part of my house in Dexter was for me, a feeling of living the best of both worlds between working as an actress and raising a child.  I have always wanted to be a mom.  In fact, that was the deal breaker when I met my husband.  He is 17 years older than me and has 3 children from 2 previous marriages.  If he wouldn't have had at least one more with me, we wouldn't be together (I also remember talking to Tony Brancaleone in Senior Advanced English in high school and asking him if in ten years we still weren't married with kids, would he consider fathering my child).

Living in my house in Dexter, Michigan I was able to have a good life in the northern Midwest, surrounded by families and good people and in a home and neighborhood conducive to raising my son, and occasionally be able to fill my personal spirit with the work I was born to do in the performing arts.  I knew I wanted to be an actress at 14 and I have a BA in Theatre from Roosevelt University in Chicago.  I have been performing in plays since I was 14 and in 2009 performed in my 50th at a wonderful little theatre in Williamston, Michigan, 50 minutes north from my Dexter house and run by my friends.  I am a member of three professional acting unions - Actor's Equity for the stage and SAG and AFTRA for radio, screen and television.  In 2006 I threw myself into voice acting (voice-over) and set up a home studio which led to representation by a New York agency.  I am also represented by an agency in Detroit.  I began narrating audio books from my house for an Ann Arbor client and that has led to narrating a dozen fiction audio books for Brilliance Audio, in Grand Haven, Michigan, and a three hour drive from Dexter.  When I realized there was little to no voice-over training in the Detroit area (I regularly travel to Chicago and LA for voice-over events and workshops) I began coaching and producing workshops at a recording studio in Birmingham, Michigan, about an hour and fifteen minutes from Dexter, bringing in the likes of Pat Fraley (celebrity voice-over talent/teacher and my mentor and friend) from LA and Sherri Berger in Chicago.  Then, I met Pamela Lewis who is a veteran New York voice-over talent and teacher (and author of the book "Talking Funny for Money") who resides in Ann Arbor (ten miles from Dexter) with her husband, and frequently travels to New York to teach or to loop major motion pictures.  Pamela (now a very good friend) and I put on several workshops at RMS recording studio and from my home.  I was never in the business of producing voice-over workshops and teaching to make a bunch of money, but rather to give back to people and enjoy the events - I also got to learn from the folks I hosted, so it was like getting paid to take class.  This began in May 2009 and ended in December that year and in the 7 months I coached privately and hosted ten or so workshops I averaged nearly $2,000.00 a month.  Again, very blessed.  My friend Petrea Burchard in LA, as well as Pamela Lewis, told me I just may well have my own voice-over academy soon.  I was also on stage, acting in a co-shared play between two of the 8 or so Equity Theatres my union allows me to act at for 13 weeks early last year before we moved.  I was acting on stage in at least one play a year for somewhere between 6 and 12 weeks and that was just fine for me.  The film industry landed in Michigan in April 2008 with a huge tax incentive to producers (currently, the television show Detroit 1-8-7 is shooting there) and I was all of the sudden, along with all my talented peers in the area, auditioning for day player 1-5 line speaking parts in A-list television and major motion pictures, for some very big name and well-known directors (I met Rob Reiner - couldn't have been lovelier - at a callback for his film "Flipped" and very well-known TV director - "Lost" - Jack Bender, among others).  Funny though, my recent film roles came not from being cast out of Detroit, but by Donna Belajac in Pittsburgh (Love and Other Drugs and Super 8).  In any case, my penchant for performing and mothering was well-suited, I believe, to Michigan.

Then we moved to Dayton.  Dayton, where I was born and lived briefly as a child and visited my grandparents until I was 38.  Dayton with its even more dwindling economy than Detroit (my husband's work is contracted by the United States Air Force without whose Base I believe would leave Dayton a dust bowl of a town).  Dayton with no casting directors, one Equity Theatre (whose artistic director was the one friend I had returning here and just died) one, in my opinion, low-end talent agency and no commercial recording studios.  I have driven an hour to Columbus for an occasional on-camera industrial film audition for Macy's for an agent and over three hours to Cleveland for the same.  Driving a 9 hour round trip to Pittsburgh for Donna in a day has become a welcome escape as has returning to Michigan for a voice-over job or audition driving 8 hours in a day.  Grand Haven, where I've already recorded two audio books this year, is now a six hour one way drive; 6 1/2 with pee stops.  Last summer I was hot (it was nearly 95 every day and humid) and slave to the indoors, with not even an indoor play place like Jungle Java or the Chelsea Tree House to take my son to and kick back with my computer or book (I know, poor me, right?)  Worst, there is no water here.  No lakes.  No beaches.  Independence Lake was a bike and trailer ride away from Dexter for my son and me with a lake and small sprinkler park.  The pool at our apartment is full of beer drinking idiots who let their dogs poop in the pool area and swear and touch their boobs.  Last summer I cried all the time.  I was depressed.  I was miserable.  I was not a good mommy.  I was not good to be around period.  Then my husband deployed to Afghanistan for five months (returning over Christmas for 3 weeks for hernia surgery and to go to Disney World with us - another welcome escape).  During that time I busied myself volunteering at my son's school twice a week and even taking him out of school for two weeks dragging him to Grand Haven while I narrated (we have no family around - no friends - no unpaid support - which was never an issue in Dexter where I had a slew of support, even in neighbors, I could turn to for help with Sam or whatever when Dave traveled).  Dave is home now and we are going to Spain (an almost yearly thing for us for Dave's bicycle camps - his passion) in three weeks for a two week stint.  When we come back, we will have to decide where to live.  Do we put the house back on the market in Michigan?  Do we move back in?  Does Dave push to work out of the Ann Arbor office and chance being let go if they do cut-backs?  His company was just on the front of the Dayton Daily News yesterday boasting building a new office complex and employing more people.  Does Dave work out of Virginia or Washington D.C. and commute back and forth to Dexter?  Do we stay here and buy a house before our Michigan house sells and carry two mortgages?  Does Dave continue looking for employment at other company sites like San Diego?  Do I have it in me to relocate again so soon and have to acclimate to another new place?  (Dave adjusts wherever quickly going to work and socializing and cycling - I am a white, aging actress raising a Kindergartner who survives on human connection - didn't realize that one until I moved to Dayton and didn't have human connections the way I'd had them in Dexter anymore). 

This all leads me to this week and finding my peace.  Finally, right?  I am typing from a coffee house/winery in downtown Yellow Springs, Ohio.  Go ahead and Google the place.  Quaint.  Charming.  Some say, "Hippie" - very artsy, culturally diverse.  I AM HOME.  Why did it take me nearly a year to hang here and instead wallow in self pity?  I AM HUMAN.  My humanness, anyway. 

Side bar - Monday I interviewed to volunteer at Easter Seals in Dayton, volunteer narrating for their radio reading services program.

Tuesday, I took my first yoga class at Yoga Springs studio in Yellow Springs.  It was my first yoga class in a healing studio environment in years.  I shopped at a little boutique called Kismet and had lunch at a place called the Winds.  Wednesday I took another yoga class and lunched again downtown and went through more shops.  Wednesday afternoon I brought my son to children's yoga and I walked the bike path for 45 minutes on a beautiful, sunny, 48 degree March 2nd day.  Then I let my son browse Mr. Fub's Toy Store, shared a muffin with him at the very same coffee shop I'm typing at now and took him to a park to play.  This morning, I took another yoga class (my arms hurt). 

I'm easing off the spending money aspect of discovering this new place.  I found myself this morning (and yesterday morning) looking forward to Yellow Springs as if I were getting ready to commute to a new job. 

I have been able to rest.  I have been able to appreciate.  I have been able to reflect.  I have really been able to calm down.  My edge is disappearing (also from cutting way back on caffeine) and I am more patient with myself, my son, my husband - everyone everywhere.  I must be finding some inner peace.  It's the explanation I've come up with anyway. 

So, no matter where I am, I can find this peace.  Now it happens to be in Yellow Springs.  Later, it will have to be in my Dayton apartment (even if the TV is blaring at 60 decimals so my husband can "hear" it) and later this month in Spain.  I will continue doing the yoga (I am tired of the gym every day and my body is sorer from yoga over the past three days than from ever lifting weights for one).  I will continue calming down and noticing simple, little things and appreciating them, like the duck couple outside my apartment window in the man-made pond, or the sun and being able to walk outside (it's supposed to rain tomorrow and over the weekend) or mine or my son's health (and his gorgeous blue eyes and smile)!

I am finding my peace.  I will share what I find here, no matter where I am or where I find it so I can reflect when I am feeling not so peaceful and full of despair (which I hope, is truly in the past).

Oh, and I was reminded in yoga class by how lucky I am to live by a man's foot long scar on his calf that he told me was from a motorcycle accident - and here he was standing on that leg doing balancing poses - as I thought of just last February in 2010 when I was driving home from my opening night in a play around midnight, going 75 on I-96 in Michigan (the car on cruise control) when I lost control of my car and turned my 2003 Jeep Liberty over in circles at least three times before landing upside down in a ditch.  I walked out from my car wreck through the back window and into the arm's of angel people who held and comforted me until the paramedics arrived, and away from everything with no more than slight abrasions on the top of my head (oh, if only I were wearing my hat!) and a bit of stiffness.  I was back on stage the following week.  Not my time. 

This is my time. 

Peace.